The sticky floor of a cinema is the place to be

So the man said to the waiter, "Can I have a blog please?"

Matt the waiter said, "Coming right up sir".

I absolutely love grumpy people. Not in a sexual way, but when it's over a chip in a £34.99 pot to whack in their garden, a grumpy couple who were absolutely soaking wet from this piss-poor weather just added to the fun. "Can you knock any money off", they said. "I'm afraid not, it's not within our policy - we're able to recieve credit on any damaged stock". After 5 minutes of the same question and answer being said in different guises, with the couple, the bloke especially getting increasingly frustrated, he lost his rag, told me to "Fuck off" and they both stomped out of the shop, potless, and plotless. Happy people are great, but the stressy ones bring a genuine smile.

Anyway, Bank Holiday weekend at wonderful Haskins was hectic. So I'm flagging a little today. "I'll just have a carrier bag if I can, it's raining"....."It's not, is it?" - state the bleedin' obvious why don't you?. "Last of the big spenders".... it wasn't funny the first time a customer said it, it's not funny now the 578th customer has said it. "Do you sell newspapers?" .... that's a new one. First stamps, now newspapers - what do people expect garden centres to sell next? Class A drugs and iPods? Jeeeeeeezus christ.

If anyone wants to know what to get Matt for his birthday - 27th November - in case you'd forgotten - I would absolutely love an Orgazmatron head massager. Having been put through the paces with it last night at Beckie's indoor BBQ (great fun btw) - I would very much welcome one, though I don't know how you'd wrap it up - it's all wirey and that. Apparently provides you with 1/8th of an orgasm, or some bullcrap like that. All I know is that it made me tingle and relax....hmmm. Next week, I'll declare my love for little dogs and pink fur.

The leavers do on Friday night was a good laugh, though was absolutely cream-crackered by the time we got to the club though. Much was drank, many were nipple-crippled and everyone ate a chocolate cock - who says we don't know how to party? Leavers Do rating of 9/10.

Elsewhere on the radar:

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is pretty good, I even managed to understand the plot despite falling asleep for half an hour of it. Not recommended is buying a 'large' drink which turns out to be about 30 gallons worth. I can swear I'm still pissing it out now. Or in Jez's case, don't buy a large popcorn - no matter how many people you share it with, the bag is bottomless and it will never, ever be finished. And that's the law of cinema. Oh, not forgetting that you're not in a proper cinema if you can lift your feet off of the floor without them sticking. The stickiness is character.

Pardon me for being slightly insincere, but do the news bulletins have to take up 75% of their airtime giving us an update on whether Madeline McCann's been found or not? I hope she's found, but the more they're flooding us with the same regurgitated stories about the search, the more people will get bored and disinterested. The media's siege mentality isn't big, it's not clever - especially when it's The Sun directing the search, Kelly Brook and Keeley are much better suited searching other areas....ahem.

Oh yeah, I told you all that AC Milan would beat Liverpool 2-1. I told you so. Ner ner ner ner nerrrr. And the scouse muppets aren't happy for some reason and are blaming it on everyone apart from themselves, but what do we expect from a support based on self-righteous claptrap?YOU WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH - get over it (and get a job - cheap shot).

Jim and Sharon's packing for New York is coming along slowly ahead of their departure on Wednesday morning - Sharon's running around like a headless chicken and Jimbo's cooking dinner. What a fortunate son I am....

Cracking and smashing

Two weeks to go until my first exam, and four weeks until my last. Tensions are high in my bedroom, there are exam papers everywhere, notes strewn over my bed, crammed inside books, covering my desk. I had to send out a search party to find my laptop to write this blog, so you'd better be grateful! Lucky I know where everything is though, people might start calling me disorganised. But the revision is going pretty good at the moment - I'm where I want to be, got plenty of papers to practice with and the theory is largely under control and lodged somewhere in my brain. Got to coax it out at the right times though, and that's the hard part.

I've got a half term week coming up which is pretty free of plans and has numerous blocks of hours in which revision can be done so it's all under control. Still doesn't mean I won't enjoy myself....oh no. Got the Leavers Do on Friday night which I hope will be excellent fun, all suited and booted, getting intoxicated with mates and teachers - what else can you ask for from a college social?

Elsewhere on the radar in the past week or so....

The FA Cup Final was one of the worst games I've seen in absolutely yonks. And I've seen some crap at Palace this season. Neither team seemed bothered about going over the halfway line in fear of getting a nosebleed. The new Wembley didn't deserve such a crap game beneath it's fantabulous arch and in front of 90,000 ripped off punters, and the fact that Chelski won made it even worse. Makes me sick just thinking about it. Not to worry, Frank Lampard's still fat - that's karma for you.

My bedroom window has mysteriously been smashed. It's made a crackingly cool cracked (seamless, huh?) pattern on it, but it's a damned inconvenience. Not to worry, nothing an insurance claim won't fix. Could well have been the nutty woman next door throwing a squirrel, or Freddie headbutting the window to get my attention. I don't know what it was to be honest. Any suggestions/ideas are welcome.

Music wise, I have to recommend Fields' new album, "Everything Last Winter", probably quite an acquired taste in music to like it - it definitely took a while to grow on me, but it's really rather good. Saw them support Snow Patrol back in December and liked them there, and their debut's good too. Not sure who I'd compare them to, but it's worth an *ahem* download.

Jimbo and Sharon are gearing up for their trip to New York next week and they have no idea what they're going to do. Sharon's panicking as usual that they're not taking enough money with them, Jimbo's not particularly fussed and tells her to calm down. Though it does mean I've got to look after Lucy for 5 days at home - talk about care in the community. Hopefully she won't pester me for lifts 24/7 and whinge when I refuse. But I have the power to put my foot down...I think grounding her might be taking things too far though, she's 17.

Oh, Champions League Final tomorrow night, prediction is 2-1 Milan. Hopefully I can come back next week and say I told you so....

Washing machines live longer with zombies

Washing conditioner samples. Tonnes of 'em in our kitchen. Absolutely stacks. Why? Lucy decided to bring home Sainsbury's supply to our household just in case the world has a national shortage of fabric conditioner. I'll never be walking around in dirty clothes again....not that I did anyway.

Sharon was pleased though. Anarchy in the house is spared for 24 hours at least...

I nearly got killed today. Twice. I didn't get the whole 'life flash before my eyes' jobby but speed + wet roads is never a particularly good combination. And for once (some might argue) the two quite near misses today weren't my fault. Tommy B was wanging it down the (double parked) rally road as he calls it and slipped and slid his way past an oncoming car. That was more of an adreniline rush than a near-death experience, but they all count. And the other was just absolutely shocking judgement from a 96 year old driver at a roundabout. Obviously late to get their pension from the post office and crawled out without looking. I immediately felt bad having beeped at the elderly and that they probably fought for us in the war, but if they can't drive a car properly, they're better off using their free bus pass.

Elsewhere on the radar...

* Sheffield United got relegated. It was a win-win-win situation for me who got relegated, I didn't like either of the three clubs involved and whilst gutted that West Ham didn't go down as I'm itching to go to Upton Park (one of the rare London grounds I ain't been to...). Wigan I just loathe Dave Whelan because he's a whinging (rich, huh?) c*nt. Sheff Utd are Sheff Utd. I don't mind Neil Warnock as it happens actually...bit of a tit but a dying breed of manager who speaks his mind properly and the passion he has is infectious sometimes.

* Went and saw another film on Saturday afternoon. 28 weeks later. Follow-up to 28 days later and prequel to 28 months later. And a very good film it was too, much better than that Spiderman 3 tripe last week. All blood, gore and zombies in London. Lurrrrrvely stuff. I won't spoil the plot but it gets a rating of 28 out of 30. One glaring inconsistency regarding Wembley Stadium, but that's for the trainspotters.

Three weeks tomorrow until my first exam and I'm quite confident that I can get the grades required. Revision is pootling along nicely, it's not a perfect plan, but I'm learning new things and picking up new techniques which is the main thing. Had a mock exam in statistics today which all seemed pretty dandy. 5 and a bit weeks and it'll all be over. And boy will the summer be brilliant.

Genius is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration....best get a decent deoderant.

Robots, Peak Practice and errrr.....Dentists

It dawned on me today that us human lot really do put way too much faith in technology. I was writing something on Word earlier and the fecking thing crashed. I'd not saved it but had certainly made large inroads into what I wanted to do. What happened to the old pen and paper method, eh? It's trustworthy and foolproof (to an extent). I'm doing all my revision notes by hand for example. Do we really need Microsoft Word? Any one can pick up a sheet of A4 and start scribbling without worrying about the font, size and whether it's all in the margin of the printer - it's more "personal" handwritten innit. All about the feeling of reading someone's writing rather than the generic 3 or 4 fonts that everyone uses to write on Word with, on a similar vein, who uses Wingdings ferchrissake?

Technology's great though. However, I was cruisin' down through the ghettos of East Preston earlier listening to some chooooons on my iPod and it cut out. Why? Because the bloody battery had gone. I don't give a rats arse what Apple say about improved battery life, my iPod can only take about 2 rousing renditions of my "Rik Waller/Gareth Gates megamix" playlist before dying on me. What an absolute pisstake. The people who make these kinda things are all too keen to bring out new crap to flood the market with at extorcinate prices, but can they get the existing stuff right? Of course not. Lazy, lazy people - I'd rather have an iPod that lasts for 12 hours playing time than a robot that can do the ironing, because Sharon does that, and very well too...

Sky+ is a great invention. Though when in the wrong hands, it's particularly devestating, Jimbo's broken one Sky+ box already with his first "exploratory" session with it, probably trying to record some hardcore p...erch fishing programme on Discovery Fishing. However, Sharon's an absolute demon with the controller, shame she doesn't watch half the stuff she records - still got some Peak Practice on the box, unwatched from the end of February. But she insists it's untouched. And until I saw what she had been recording, I didn't realise there were so many programmes about fashion and allowing 2 middle class whores to dress up a fat northern bird. I fancy having a mass delete tomorrow. Next stop - the convincing to get SkyHD.....the ability to see Pepper from Neighbours in high-definition is enough to get my pulse racing, and hopefully, Jimbo's wallet out of his pocket.

Elsewhere on the radar, I was dragged along to Spiderman 3 last Saturday. Absolute crock of shite. Honestly one of the longest 2 and a half hours I've ever endured. I just don't get the appeal of superhero films, especially ones based around Uncle Ben's rice fortune, Lee Evans' dad, a bloke in lycra and some alleged eye candy who's ginger. No thanks, a whole-hearted 3/10 from here.

A visit to the dentist tomorrow for the first time in over 18 months is certainly playing on my mind at the moment. Not least because I've got to pay for it, and on the NHS - the cheek of it! £16 for a 15 minute check-up and a Lithuanian (yes, seriously) bloke prodding his tools around in my mouth. But it gives me peace of mind I guess...

Palace managed an average 12th in the Championship this year, solidifying it with a 2-0 win at Colchester. A totally underwhelming season with few perks, but the flame of optimism for next season is starting to burn again - patches of play in recent weeks and development of youngsters play a big part here, I'm going to miss not having my season ticket. Though I guess Saturday afternoons in Gloucester could be well spent watching rugby, Cheltenham Town in League 1 or recovering from the night before. I can't wait!

Super, smashing, great....

Low-cut tops but nothing to show off

Long time, no blogging. A near two weeks since my last installment and a lot's happened.

Sharon and Jim's Silver Wedding on Tuesday was a blast. I don't understand how they could live with each other for so long, Sharon's cleaning habits piss me off no end and Jim's habit of walking away from you mid-conversation would be enough to drive anyone up the wall. And I'm only their son....thank feck I'm off to uni in 4 months or so. Only kidding Sharon/Jimbo - you're bloody marvellous parents and as I said in your card, you've made me who I am - a short, foul-mouthed, inappropriate racist (apparently), you should be proud....

Elsewhere, Golfing Tuesdays are back on the map again. With two rounds gone in the tour already, it's seen shots to rival that of Tiger Woods; but the vast majority of shots have put anyone in the vicinity at great danger. See right for an action shot...

I've never seen shots come off at right angles to the club face before....shot of the day on Tuesday just gone, however, went to Tommy B on the tricky 5th hole at Littlehampton. A shocking tee shot into the trees saw him hack out in two to the rough, about 30 feet from the flagstick, he then proceeded to snake a ridiculous putt into the hole avoiding divots, other people's clubs and adders in the grass. Impressive Tom, it was a fluke, but my golfing flat cap is off to you. Rumours on the grapevine suggest that Jez is taking it seriously and he's invested around £400 in a putter and pitching wedge for himself. Whether or not he can get it in the air or not, remains to be seen until this coming Golfing Tuesday which takes place at Rustington Golf Centre at about 12.45pm; spectators welcome.

Palace managed to beat Derby last Sunday in front of the nation to nail the last coffin into the Rams' automatic promotion hopes. The downside was that we sent Steve "flatnosed c*nt" Bruce's Brumscum up and Sunnerlan (who I don't mind). But hey, we knew it was going our way when Mark Kennedy scored a goal, following some shocking defending from Derby, which had their entire back four inspecting each others boots on one side of the pitch, allowing Kennedy to waltz into their area and slam a shot past Lee Camp (who's not improved since the Eng U21 game - still shit, always will be shit).

Talks of trebles and quadruples were rammed straight back down SirAlex and Jose's throatsthis week when Liverpool and AC Milan came from behind (insert joke here) to leave Ferguson and Jose eating proverbial dust. Poor b*stards, couldn't happen to two nicer blokes....

Spiderman 3 comes out tomorrow, 12 or so of us are offskis to see it on Saturday and I'm going purely for the social side of it. Superhero films aren't my thang, but I could be surprised by this original story of how some bloke in lycra saves the world using special powers. Can't wait.

Errrrm, what else. Ahhhh yes, saw the Maccabees in Portsmouth last Thursday. Bloody brilliant. A top, top band who will be big by the end of the year in my opinion. New single's out on Monday (7th May) called Precious Time, which is my favourite song on the album. Top gigging, sweat, the only downer was the number of girls wearing low-cut tops but had nothing to flaunt. What a let-down.

Revision's started in earnest now, which is a great relief. Still finding excuses not to do it sometimes, but hey, who doesn't?! The distraction of the beach, frisbee and football in this bloody gorgeous weather is a good enough excuse.....right?

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